Venting

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name

I want to feel sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
Where the streets have no name

These lyrics are so perfect right now. I feel so stressed. I know everyone else out there is stressing as well. I'm not asking for the reader's pity or anything. The more stressed I am, the more I learn about myself.

The past few weeks have been chaotic in my mind. I am so tired, emotionally. I've never had such a difficult academic year in my life. I've never felt so discouraged about academics. I dread at the thought of the future. Too many times I find myself trying to escape from reality. Everything is just so cloudy and muddled in my head. The worst part about all of this is that it's distracting me from God. I listened to a great sermon today, and had Communion as well. But I still felt this emptiness inside of me. I felt like my heart wasn't fully there.

Now that I got all of that out, I can stand back, observe, and reflect on all the stupid words I just wrote down. First of all, it is so apparent where I find my identity in. I try to center my identity on academics. The thought of an uncertain future frustrates the crap out of me. So that already tells me that I have little faith. The thing I want most is to have control. Have control over all things around me. Why is life so hard?

When I look at myself, all I can do is sigh. The thought of grace silences me. Why did Christ redeem me? Why was I made righteous? Why did He justify me? This mystery always gives me hope. Though I have little faith, Christ is sufficient.

In the end, everything will work out.

-Simon

My Professor

Let us begin with a quick introduction. My Calculus Theory professor looks exactly like Sigourney Weaver. She has a very thick lisp. When she's in her zone, she enthusiastically writes proofs on the chalkboard nonstop without even asking the class if they understand. She jumps up and down when she's super excited. She is the hardest math professor I ever had.

Last Wednesday, I walked into class thinking that it's going to be the same ol' crazy professor with the same crazy proofs, crazily. But something happened that day... that made my day. As she was writing furiously with the chalk, she had an itch on her nose. Of course, since she is in her zone, she just wipes her nose and continues to write furiously. Little did she know, she wiped with her right hand. So when she turned around, she had a white powdery mark on her nose. At the same time, she was passionately waving her hands talking about all these Calculus theorems that we were all confused about. She looked cracked out (literally). I know, it's silly. But it's these little things that make my day. :)

-Simon

Forgiveness

We all know that the Gospel is crazy. But it's not like we always know. We constantly need to be reminded through sermons, bible studies, accountability, prayer, etc. I was always kind of confused as to why we always forget. I mean, the Gospel is amazing news. It's life-changing, life-transforming.

We forget because we think forgiveness is easy. We think that our sins aren't thaaaaat bad. Sure it upsets God, but I mean, He's holy and all powerful so it should be easy for Him to forgive us. I mean, God can do all things, right?

WRONG! God cannot do everything. He cannot lie. Likewise, He cannot be unjust. He can't just forgive us. There must be a payment; a full payment. If God just forgave without payment, it would be injustice, and that goes against His character. So once again, there must be a full payment. We uphold money with such high value, and yet no amount of money can fully pay for our sins. It can only be done by the Redeemer, Christ. Not only did He die a painful death, but He gave us His perfect righteousness.

Forgiveness is not easy. I'll probably forget the significance of the Gospel after I publish this post too.

-Simon

Almost Bald

I haven't cut my hair since July in Korea. My hair was so long that it felt like there were bugs crawling on my neck because the hair on the back of my head would tickle the back of my neck. My hair would take forever to dry too. Every time I got out of the shower, Joe would always tell me that I needed a haircut. Long hair is such a hassle.

So I got one. I went to this new place on Carmenita and Artesia next to the Korean market. It was this old Korean ahjusshi. He asked me how I wanted to get my haircut. I told him I wanted it short so I could spike my hair with gel. The old man nods with a crooked smile, and he straight up takes out clippers and starts on the top of my head! At this point, I couldn't protest because he had already started. So I accepted my fate. I closed my eyes throughout the whole agonizing event. My head felt cold. When I opened my eyes, practically all my hair was gone. This is the shortest I've ever cut my hair.

I know it's my fault that I wasn't clear about how short I wanted it. But man, it is so short. And for some reason, whenever I cut my hair pretty short, it makes my head/face look bigger. I dunno, it's some kind of unexplainable illusion. I miss my long hair and my head is cold.

On the bright side, the haircut was only $10.

-Simon