Venting

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name

I want to feel sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
Where the streets have no name

These lyrics are so perfect right now. I feel so stressed. I know everyone else out there is stressing as well. I'm not asking for the reader's pity or anything. The more stressed I am, the more I learn about myself.

The past few weeks have been chaotic in my mind. I am so tired, emotionally. I've never had such a difficult academic year in my life. I've never felt so discouraged about academics. I dread at the thought of the future. Too many times I find myself trying to escape from reality. Everything is just so cloudy and muddled in my head. The worst part about all of this is that it's distracting me from God. I listened to a great sermon today, and had Communion as well. But I still felt this emptiness inside of me. I felt like my heart wasn't fully there.

Now that I got all of that out, I can stand back, observe, and reflect on all the stupid words I just wrote down. First of all, it is so apparent where I find my identity in. I try to center my identity on academics. The thought of an uncertain future frustrates the crap out of me. So that already tells me that I have little faith. The thing I want most is to have control. Have control over all things around me. Why is life so hard?

When I look at myself, all I can do is sigh. The thought of grace silences me. Why did Christ redeem me? Why was I made righteous? Why did He justify me? This mystery always gives me hope. Though I have little faith, Christ is sufficient.

In the end, everything will work out.

-Simon