Work

Many times throughout the week at work, I fantasize about just buying a plane ticket and bolting to Korea.  Every time I'm miserable at work, I hear the lyrics "Work sucks... I KNOW!" from Blink182.  I also dream about just quitting my job and looking for a more enjoyable job.  There are so many things I want to do and don't want to do.

I think the reason why I hate work so much is that I'm still young.  I'm freaking 23 years old, I have my whole life ahead of me, and I'm wasting it at work.  I guess that's why so many people just go back to school.  School is (surprisingly) more fun, it's comfortable, and you always have something to look forward to.  Richard and I used to (or maybe we still do) resent the college students because they're always so happy.  My theory is that it's because they always have something to look forward to: end of midterms, end of finals, winter/spring/summer breaks, job interviews, job hunting, the "real world".  Once you're in the "real world" and you're stuck at some job, you have nothing to look forward to except for maybe a promotion.  And that only comes once a year or two.

This summer was the first summer that I didn't have a summer break.  I felt so robbed when my receptionist left for her maternity leave (which means she gets a break for 2+ months), and my coworker left cause he had his baby born at the same time (which means he was gone for 3 weeks).  I had one short break in Korea, which felt like a tease since I had so much fun and time went by too quickly.

Nonetheless, I am thankful for a job.  I know there are many out there jobless and sad.  In the end, no matter what our circumstances are or what life-stages we're in, we will never be satisfied.  Colleges students hate school and want a job as soon as possible, young adults want to quit their job and go back to school, and everyone is just unhappy with their lives.

With that being said, let us look to the cross because the Gospel always puts things into perspective.  Christ is the only one who can fill this void.

Smile

There are a few things these past few weeks that have made me smile:

 1. Random people have been visiting me in LA. Although living alone in the apartment is pretty nice and quiet, it can get lonely sometimes. So having unannounced guests coming to grab dinner with me and just hanging out has been a good change from my usual routine of just work, exercise, dinner, watching shows, and sleeping early.

 2. Kirk is back from Florida for good, and Snugs will be back for good tomorrow. I have missed them both dearly and am glad that they are coming back.

 3. Dinko's sermon yesterday about "tasting and seeing that the LORD is good" and "fearing who God is" really hit home. It never really occurred to me that seeing that God is good and fearing Him go hand in hand. And I think the past few months that I have been struggling have been so difficult because it was hard to taste and see that the Lord is good in those circumstances because I have not been fearing God. Even the phrase "fearing God" can be misinterpreted. We don't fear God because of what He is going to do, but we fear Him because of WHO HE IS. By knowing who He really is, our perspectives on every aspect of our lives change, and His goodness is that much more apparent.

 4. My coworker, Branson, is back from his paternity leave. It's so fun and interesting hearing all of his stories about his newborn daughter and his whole experience about being a father now. Kind of makes me excited for the future when I have a wife and go through the whole process of becoming a father too. Also, I wonder when I'm gonna be an uncle... 형??? ㅋㅋㅋ

The Story of Ian & Larissa (Original)

Piper: "He is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."

Picking Myself Up

The past 2-3 weeks have been ridiculous.  It felt like everything in my life was just going wrong.  It all started when my car started overheating.  When I got home, I immediately added coolant into my car.  Unfortunately that didn't help because it was my radiator that was completely jacked up.  I found this out after going to three different mechanics, which means I overheated it three more times, which really screwed up my engine's head gasket.  Exchanging the radiator cost me $400, and the engine work cost me $1500.  On top of that, there were a bunch of other miscellaneous repairs I had to get done like changing tires and repairing other crap that I am unfamiliar with which cost me $500.  All in all, I spent a buttload of money when I don't have a lot of money to begin with since this is right when I get back from Korea.

This led to my leaving the car at the mechanic's shop for a week or so.  I had to take a ~1.5 hour bus-ride to work which was pretty inconvenient since it usually takes me 15-20 mins in my own car.  As a result, I had to wake up and leave home earlier, get home later which was incredibly exhausting.

It gets better.  My receptionist left for her maternity leave which is approximately 2 months long.  I had to say goodbye to my comfortable office and work at the front desk.  I had to take care of all of her responsibilities including my own.  And then a week later, my coworker's wife has her baby so he's out too for 2-2.5 weeks which means I am picking up his slack too.

On top of all of this, I am stressing about packing, cleaning, and moving all my stuff since I am moving to another apartment at the end of July.  I had to move half of my stuff to Louis' and Zen's place since I can't fit everything in my new apartment.  And now I gotta move the rest of my stuff on Saturday.

I know, I sound like a baby who's just complaining and complaining.  Nonetheless, I am so thankful to God because yet again, He always provides:

1.  Commuting to work has saved me money on gas.  It has also helped me learn the public transportation in LA (which isn't as bad as I thought it would be).

2.  I found a really good mechanic near my work who I will probably be seeking advice to from now on.  He's really awesome.  He would go out of his way to call me daily to give me updates about the car, even after he was done with the repairs.  He would just follow up to see if the car is running okay now.

3.  Even though I am swamped with work, I feel like I'm getting used to the fast-pace and feel really productive at work.  My boss is even going easier on me sine she knows it sucks for me.  In fact, yesterday she called in a temporary receptionist to help out until my coworker comes back (which is why I am writing this post in my office).

4.  Moving half of my stuff to Louis' and Zen's place went smoothly since I got help from Richard, one of my most faithful friends.  He is always there when I need him.

I am doing just fine now.  Okay, back to work.

Righteous Anger

I am in shock right now. There's this photo and story going around facebook about a young Japanese girl who was kidnapped and tortured. Don't worry, I won't go into detail or anything like that. And yes, I know that there are so many bad things (if not worse) that happen everyday all around the world. I think one of the key emotions I feel is anger. When I hear stories about rape, child prostitution, intense violence, etc. I get so angry. Like, it doesn't make sense to me how a human being can do something so evil and cruel to another human being. I know that sin isn't to be underestimated. Nonetheless, I can't comprehend it. Sigh... it truly makes me SO angry.

Then I realize just how angry God must get at sin. And this is like, pure and holy and righteous anger that's coming from a Being that is perfect. If I am utterly sinful and I get this angry at something so evil, God (who is without sin) must get infinitely angrier.

Hence, by this logic, God's grace for us sinners is pretty freaking amazing.

-Simon

Power of the Spirit

The point where something "sinks in" occurs at really random times. I have a friend who lost his sister. What's interesting is that even when the doctor told his family that she was only going to live for about 3-4 months, it never really sunk in for them; it didn't hit them right away. For my friend, it sunk in when the conditions were getting worse. For my friend's dad, it sunk in after a week or so after her death. Why does this "sinking in" happen at different times for different people?

I listened to a Tim Keller sermon today about the power of the Spirit. Sure intellectually we know that receiving the Holy Spirit is an amazing thing, we know that Christ died and rose again, we know God does so much for us and loves us. But why do we continue to sin? Why are we still so blind and continue to take action through our own human efforts?

There are so many random occurrences when I feel like I'm a born again Christian. It's like I'm (born again)^n or born again to the nth power, if you didn't get that. It's amazing how easily I forget. But right when that Gospel sinks in, when I know and believe the Gospel more than just intellectually knowing it, it is just the greatest feeling ever. It sinks in when I can taste the Gospel, see the Gospel, and feel it. When that happens, humility overcomes my soul, but not the kind that is tainted with guilt and shame, but rather with love and peace.

The most remarkable part about this is that it's nothing that I do to achieve this. It's all the Spirit's work. I can never achieve this through my own human efforts. In fact, the more I try, the further I get. And because all of this is done by the Spirit, I once again realize just how precious it is to receive the Holy Spirit.

-Simon

Summer

Life is... comfortable. And I feel like it's the bad kind of comfortable. I shared this with a few people already. But I feel like this summer has been so busy yet comfortable. This is a dangerous combination because that means I'm being distracted from God. I feel like God hasn't been occupying my mind for the vast majority of the summer. All I've been doing is studying. If I'm not studying, I'm either watching shows/movies. I've been really slacking off on my QTs as well ever since Joe moved out. I really admire the discipline that my brother and Joe have. No matter what, they are so disciplined in making time for God. I'm usually good about it, but I guess this summer has owned me. I've learned that it is SO easy to get distracted.

Another thing that kind of occupied my mind was the fact that the idea of "God loves me even though I am sinful" is an interesting concept. Because I find myself giving into temptations and other sins even though I am aware of that idea that God loves me even though I am sinful. So when I am sinning even though I am well aware of what I am doing is utterly wrong implies that I am offending God that much more. I've been struggling with this because I feel like in my mind, whenever I get tempted, my mind just resolves to "I'm gonna sin anyway". Since I know that I am offending God more and more, I've been feeling very discouraged with myself. I've been discouraged at the fact that I really am a lot more sinful than I thought I was, and hence, I don't deserve God's love. But I have to keep reminding myself that Christ's sacrifice was sufficient.

So this past Friday, there was a praise and prayer night which really helped me talk to God intimately. It was a really good time for me. It was really refreshing, and I felt renewed. I need to constantly pray for the Holy Spirit to cleanse me and sanctify me. Just seeing how easily I fell away from God really scared me. Please keep me in your prayers.

-Simon

Change

Last week was really weird for me. It felt like the end of an important era. Two close friends whom (did I use whom correctly?) I probably chilled the most with disappeared in my life. Joseph Chong moved out of the apartment last Saturday, and Richard Chung left to Escondido for seminary on Monday. It just seems like everything happened so fast, and I didn't really have the time to digest everything that's been happening. My incredibly difficult financial math class started almost immediately after my first session of summer school, I got two new roommates, the arrangement in the apartment is different, everything has just changed in a matter of a few days.

I guess what I'm trying to convey is that change makes me feel uncomfortable because it's another reminder that I'm not in control. Everything just feels off. Usually after I tutor on Saturdays, I meet up with Richard for lunch. But since he's being selfish and is studying in Escondido, I didn't know who to chill with. Wow, I feel like a loser. But I think this was the first Saturday that I went home right after I tutored.

But I welcome change because it opens new doors and opportunities for me to be stretched and to grow. Wonder what the Lord has in store for me in the next few years.

-Simon

Art & Beauty

These are some of my favorite "So You Think You Can Dance" choreographs! I especially like the ones that tell a story.

This one is about helping mothers:

This one is about struggling with addiction (I really like the symbolism of the guy representing addiction and the girl being suffocated and bounded by addiction):

This one is about breast cancer:

It truly amazes me how humans can portray such powerful messages through the movements of their bodies. Art can be so beautifully portrayed in that it cannot be explained in words, but only by God. Enjoy. :)

-Simon

Devotionals

My brother's blog post on daily devotionals really challenged me. I have to admit that after finals, I've been slacking off on my Bible reading and morning devotionals. It's kind of ironic because I'm consistent with my quiet times while school is in session (when I'm busy), but when I have all the free time in the world, I become lazy and start forgetting to even consider reading the Bible. It's odd because every time I didn't read the Bible before class, my whole day felt off too. It just didn't feel right because it wasn't consistent with my daily routine. But now that I'm on summer break, I wake up late, go straight to my computer to check emails and facebook, eat breakfast and wash up, and then go straight to my day.

My brother also mentioned that one of the key things that helps him be diligent in his devotionals is the mere attitude you approach it with. If you approach it like it's a chore or an obligation, then that's exactly what it's going to be. When you approach it like it's your way of easing your own consciousness, or your refuge when you're facing difficulties, then that's all it's going to be. I often found myself in the latter, and hence, led to the inconsistent quiet times. School is filled with uncertainties and difficulties, and to cope with them, I turned to quiet times (which isn't a bad thing). But when summer came and no worries and difficulties were in my life, I stopped reading the World altogether.

In hindsight, devotionals should be something more than a place of refuge. Devotionals need to be habitual. It literally needs to be apart of us. It needs to be something that we do everyday without even crossing our minds like brushing our teeth, sleeping, eating. We shouldn't have to even think about doing devotionals because we always need God. When we're thinking about or debating about whether we should do devotionals or not, we are actually challenging and doubting God's power and holiness because we are unsure of God's capability of taking care of us; or we simply think we can do His job better.

My brother put it best: devotionals are the easiest and the hardest thing to do in the world.

-Simon

Procrastination

I've been so lazy about updating this blog. As a result, I have so many things swirling in my mind. I really want to organize my thoughts by either writing in my journal or writing on this blog, but I dread at the thought of how long it'll take. I will just leave you with a great reminder I read off a website when I was reading about repentance.

You don't repent to get saved. Repentance is a result of salvation.

-Simon

I See Love

This week was a good week. It's the week of Good Friday and Easter. Throughout this week, I made more of the effort to meditate upon Christ and what He has done. My morning devotionals have been on the latter half of the Gospels--the chronological events leading up to Christ's crucifixion and resurrection. In remembrance of Good Friday, I decided to listen to Tim Keller's sermon, "Mocking Jesus". I've listened to this powerful sermon at least 10 times, and it never gets old. After the sermon, the song "Third Day, Steven Curtis Chapman, Mercyme-I See Love" came on. This is seriously one of my favorite songs. The lyrics are so good.

Some see a teacher
Standing on a hill
Speaking words of wisdom
Some see a healer
Reaching out his hand
To give sight to a blind man
Some see a dreamer
Wasting his life
On what can never be
Some see a fool
Dying for his dreams

But I see love (I see love)
I see love (I see love)
Light of heaven breaking through
Well I see grace (I see grace)
I see God's face (I See Gods face)
Shining pure and perfect love
When I see you
I see love

Some see a prisoner
Alone before his judge
With no one to defend him
Some see a victim
Beaten and abused
With all the world against him
Some see a martyr
Carrying his cross
For what he believes
Some see a hero
Who set his people free

But I see love (I see love)
I see love (I see love)
Light of heaven breaking through
Well I see grace (I see grace)
I see God's face (I See Gods face)
Shining pure and perfect love
When I see you


With your last breath
I see love
Through your death
I see love
I see peace in the eyes of the king
I see hope in your suffering (I see love)
I see a calm in the center of the storm
I see a Saviour

I see love
I see love
Light of heaven breaking through (heaven breaking through)
I see grace
I see God's face
Shining pure and perfect love
When I see you
I see love
When I see you
I see heaven breaking through
See Gods face
Shining pure and perfect love
When I see you
When I see you
When I see you
I see love
I see love
When I see

Some see Him walking from an empty grave...

"I Will Wait For You"

Took this from my brother's blog. Poet Janette presents her poem about how she will wait for God.

We were all created in His image but you have the ability to reflect, project and even detect the sun. If I were to explain what you look like you would have to look like a star, a son of the sun. I would gain energy simply from the light that You shine on me I would need you in order to complete my photosynthesis. I await Your revelation but once again from the genesis I will wait for You and I will know You, because when you speak I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom. Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses. Your faith will remind me of Abraham. Your confidence in God’s word will remind me of Daniel. Your inspiration will remind me of Paul. Your heart for God will remind me of David. Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah. Your integrity will remind me of Joseph and your ability to abandon your own will will remind me of the disciples, but your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of Christ. But I won’t need to identify you by any special matthews or any special marks, ‘cos his word will be tatted all over your heart. And you will know me and you will find me where the boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth, with the hospitality of Lydia as align with the submission of Mary, which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hannah. I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31 waiting for you. But to my Father, my Father who has known me before I was birthed into this earth only if You should see fit. I desire Your will above mine so even if You call me to a life of singleness, my heart is content with You: the one who has sent. You are the greatest love story ever told, the greatest love ever known. You are forever my judge and I’m forever your witness and I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business. I will always be Yours and I will always wait for You, Lord. More than the watchmen wait for the morning more than the watchmen wait for the morning, I will wait.

Prayer

My recent prayer requests have been about prayer itself. I listened to a few sermons on prayer, and it never occurred to me that praying was so difficult. Tim Keller says that it's easier to preach for 30 mins than it is to pray for 30 mins, and it's so true! Our minds get so distracted when we're praying. The mere sound of an IM or text message will tempt us to put our prayers on hold just to see what they say.

But more personally, I found my prayers so repetitive, and pretty much like a groceries list. There was no love or adoration in my prayers. It was pure business. Especially being a fourth year now, so many different things have been occupying my mind: school, future career, family in Korea, living situation for next year, church, small group, and the list goes on.

I realized something though. It is okay for our prayers to be repetitive. It is okay to constantly ask God for things. Christ, in fact, commands us to pray like this--to be persistent, to constantly knock at his door even to the point where we pretty much bother him. Why can we do this? It's because we have a basis for our prayers. Our basis is that God is "Our Father". Notice that when Christ teaches us how to pray, he doesn't say "Our King" although he is, or "Our Creator", although he is. The first two words "Our Father" state our basis for our prayers, that it is only because we are his children that we can come to and pray to him intimately.

Just as children ask their parents for things, we should be praying to God about everything we want or need. And then as Our Father, God will either give us what we ask for, or he will give us what we should have asked for. Our Father will always answer our prayers.

-Simon

Sin Is Everywhere!

Every Sunday night, I've been going over Tim Keller Bible studies with Yoejin and Joe to prepare for small group. So far it's been going really well. I feel like I've been learning so much about sin, gender roles, and Genesis 1-3 in general.

There are two things that blew my mind.

1. I always knew that men and women had different gender roles. I also knew that these respective gender roles do not entail differences in status. Men and women were created to compliment each other. Men are better at certain things than women are, and vice versa, women are better at certain things than men are. I love this one quote by Matthew Henry:

"Not made out of his head to top him, not out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected and near his heart to be beloved."

But what blew my mind was how both men and women together were made in the image of God. It's not "man was made in the image of God and woman was made in the image of God". It's "man and woman were made in the image of God". See the difference? The only time God refers to Himself as "we" or "us" is when he is about to create us as male and female. Since both males and females "reflect" the being of God, it means that God has all the traits associated with human maleness and femaleness. Hence, only as male-female together can we show forth and understand the full range of God's character. The relationship men and women have is a reflection of the relationship within the Godhead itself. God is both unified and diverse.

2. The second thing that blew my mind was the fact that the fall caused sin to touch upon all aspects of creation. In one sense I knew this, but only on surface level. When I thought about sin, I only thought of it as affecting humans directly (fleshly desires, which encompasses a whole mess of crap in the world, spiritually, culturally, etc.). But sin affects every part of creation including psychological disorders, physical illnesses, and even natural disasters. Always in the back of my mind, I knew this. But restudying all of this again kind of opened my eyes again. My answer to "why are there natural disasters that kill innocent people" was always "sin", but I always just said that as a cop out answer. But it's true, and now I know why "sin" is the correct answer.

Tim Keller. Why are you so smart?

-Simon

Gas

Joe: "dude, who freaking burps while they're doing ab workouts?"

I normally have a lot of gas, but these days I've been feeling it a little bit more. I don't get it. It's not like my diet has changed. My stomach always makes all these funny noises. I don't know whether it's because I have gas or if I'm hungry, but it's embarrassing. It's weird cause it's not even just farts. But I burp A LOT. I even burp when I'm running on the treadmill and apparently when I do ab workouts.

Although most people around me get annoyed of my gas, I see it as a blessing in disguise. Farts and burps just sound funny. No matter how angry someone is at me whether I fart or burp, they're always smiling. Gas brings joy into our lives!

There are many times when I fart alone and I can't help but giggle out loud.

This was a pointless post. But I suppose some of you have gotten to know who I really am. hehe.

-Simon

Another New Year

2010 has treated me well. It was filled with many blessings and trials. In 2010, I completed my first year at UCLA, my family got to spend time together in Korea (before that, my family had not been together since 2005), my mom moved to Korea, and I finally got to experience what it's like to literally be out on my own.

I realized that ever since I moved out on my own, money has become a bigger issue for me in terms of idolatry. I found myself constantly listening to Tim Keller's sermons on generosity and money. I had to keep reminding myself to love Christ more than money. Reading Dinko's blog on idolatry was a great reminder to me that the result of idolatry was not because we love the world so much, but we don't love Christ enough.

I'm not much of a guy to make resolutions or anything, but I hope that I will grow in grace, patience, love, and ultimately love Christ more in 2011. Whatever blessings and trials may come in 2011, I hope that God will prepare me for them!

Thank you 2010.

-Simon

Internet is my Idol

Internet was out half of the day today. I felt so lost. I didn't know what to do. So after my friend and I did some hardcore studying, we played puzzle fighter for like 2 hours. When internet still wouldn't work, Joe and I were so lost since we always watch shows or youtube clips before we sleep. After I come back from taking a shower, I see Joe searching through the DVD collection to pick out a movie since we have nothing else to do. After seeing his desperate search for a fun movie to watch, I decide to check the internet ONE MORE TIME. The internet was back. We rejoiced, went to our separate computers, checked our emails and facebooks in silence, and after a few minutes, we both realized that the internet was evil.

The end.

-Simon

Venting

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name

I want to feel sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
Where the streets have no name

These lyrics are so perfect right now. I feel so stressed. I know everyone else out there is stressing as well. I'm not asking for the reader's pity or anything. The more stressed I am, the more I learn about myself.

The past few weeks have been chaotic in my mind. I am so tired, emotionally. I've never had such a difficult academic year in my life. I've never felt so discouraged about academics. I dread at the thought of the future. Too many times I find myself trying to escape from reality. Everything is just so cloudy and muddled in my head. The worst part about all of this is that it's distracting me from God. I listened to a great sermon today, and had Communion as well. But I still felt this emptiness inside of me. I felt like my heart wasn't fully there.

Now that I got all of that out, I can stand back, observe, and reflect on all the stupid words I just wrote down. First of all, it is so apparent where I find my identity in. I try to center my identity on academics. The thought of an uncertain future frustrates the crap out of me. So that already tells me that I have little faith. The thing I want most is to have control. Have control over all things around me. Why is life so hard?

When I look at myself, all I can do is sigh. The thought of grace silences me. Why did Christ redeem me? Why was I made righteous? Why did He justify me? This mystery always gives me hope. Though I have little faith, Christ is sufficient.

In the end, everything will work out.

-Simon

My Professor

Let us begin with a quick introduction. My Calculus Theory professor looks exactly like Sigourney Weaver. She has a very thick lisp. When she's in her zone, she enthusiastically writes proofs on the chalkboard nonstop without even asking the class if they understand. She jumps up and down when she's super excited. She is the hardest math professor I ever had.

Last Wednesday, I walked into class thinking that it's going to be the same ol' crazy professor with the same crazy proofs, crazily. But something happened that day... that made my day. As she was writing furiously with the chalk, she had an itch on her nose. Of course, since she is in her zone, she just wipes her nose and continues to write furiously. Little did she know, she wiped with her right hand. So when she turned around, she had a white powdery mark on her nose. At the same time, she was passionately waving her hands talking about all these Calculus theorems that we were all confused about. She looked cracked out (literally). I know, it's silly. But it's these little things that make my day. :)

-Simon